Max and Jen sat throughout from me on the couch. “What brings you in today?” I requested.
Max fidgeted nervously on the couch.
“I’ll go first,” stated Jen. “Max has erectile dysfunction. It’s gotten really frustrating for both of us. He never wants to do it anymore because he’s so worried he won’t get an erection.”
Max was wanting on the ground.
“And I,” Jen began to cry, “just don’t feel like he even wants me anymore. I don’t feel loved or desired. It’s just devastating.”
“Tell me what things have been like for you, Max.” I stated gently.
He shrugged. “I don’t know what happened. I never used to have these issues, but I’m 54 now, and I feel like my body just doesn’t respond the way it used to. Jen’s right. It’s turned into this huge thing. I’m so worried that I’ll lose my erection or won’t be able to get one at all that I’ve stopped wanting to have sex. Sex always came easily for us, but it just doesn’t anymore. I really don’t know what can be done at this point.”
“I think it’s me,” Jen stated, crying softly. “I’m 52, and my body isn’t the same as it was when I was 25. I really just don’t think he’s attracted to me anymore.”
“God, Jen, would you stop?” Max stated. “I’ve told you it’s not that.”
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I defined to Max and Jen that erectile dysfunction is essentially the most generally handled male sexual drawback and that it’s estimated that it impacts over 30 million men within the United States.
“Those numbers are most likely even higher,” I stated, “however males don’t typically need to admit they battle with this. You actually don’t see it within the films or on TV, and most people don’t obtain steerage on how to deal with sexual difficulties as a part of their intercourse ed. Because of the disgrace concerned, most individuals don’t really feel comfy reaching out to their associates for help. That could make individuals really feel lonely and helpless.
“By the way, I don’t like the word dysfunction,” I informed them. “It overly pathologizes the person experiencing the issue, and truthfully, it’s rarely the most accurate word. I prefer the word difficulty. Most people, at one point or another, are going to experience a sexual difficulty. How you work as a couple through that difficulty is one of the strongest determining factors for it evolving into a full-fledged dysfunction versus an occasional hurdle that can be navigated jointly.”
Max turned again to me. “I mentioned it to my doctor, and he wrote me a prescription that was supposed to help. I take it every now and then, but it doesn’t work every time. Jen doesn’t like the fact that it takes away from the spontaneity,” Max stated.
“Interestingly,” I stated, “medications don’t always work if anxiety is too high. It sounds like you’ve developed anticipatory anxiety. What this means is that you go into a sexual experience already thinking you won’t be able to get an erection. This increases your anxiety, which is a huge block for sexual arousal. We’ve got to work on reducing your anxiety. Tell me what it was like the first time this happened.”
Max painted an image I’d heard so many occasions earlier than. “It was awful. We were on vacation, which is usually when we have the best sex. I don’t know why, but I lost my erection in the middle of it. Jen freaked.”
Jen watched Max as he relayed the story.
“I just can’t get that image out of my head. The look on her face. I love her and the last thing I want is to disappoint her.”
“What would happen if we relabeled this whole thing not as a sexual dysfunction, but as a dysfunctional coping strategy to an unexpected problem?” I prompt.
“What do you mean?” Jen requested.
I defined to Max and Jen that we’re power fed the concept that intercourse ought to be easy, and other people aren’t taught how to deal with sexual difficulties after they come up. This leaves most {couples} ill-equipped to deal with points after they inevitably occur. What Jen and Max skilled occurs so typically. It’s not normally the sexual issue itself that causes misery — it’s the best way every associate reacts to it.
I offered them with an analogy that I assumed would possibly assist. “Imagine you’re at your favorite restaurant where you always order the filet,” I stated. “It’s cooked perfectly every time, and you always look forward to it. But one night, the waiter politely lets you know that they’ve run out of the filet. Do you look at him with horror or tears or leave the restaurant? Do you feel anxious every time you go to the restaurant because you’re worried they won’t have it again? Most likely not. If you’re like most folks, you’ll probably be disappointed but won’t skip a beat before returning to the menu to make another selection. And you’ll most likely enjoy your meal. It would be helpful for you to have the same attitude when it comes to sex.”
It’s not that {couples} who keep excessive ranges of sexual satisfaction have easy intercourse, it’s that they know the best way to navigate sexual issues after they do come up. They have a go-with-the-flow perspective and don’t fear an excessive amount of about issues like lack of an erection or an elusive orgasm. If the difficulty persists and they should examine in with their doctor or a therapist, they do — as a result of they know all of us want steerage every now and then.
They don’t place blame or take undo accountability for issues, however relatively see them as points that every one {couples} face. They sort out them collectively. And most vital, they keep an open thoughts in regards to the many issues they will get pleasure from sexually. If your sexual script is just too slender, you’re extra prone to really feel misplaced when one thing isn’t out there.
I inspired Max and Jen to re-engage sexually however informed them to keep away from intercourse and to not attempt something that required Max to get an erection for some time. I wished them to create area to widen their sexual script and rediscover one another in a manner that was pleasure-focused, not goal-oriented.
I checked again in with them a month later.
“How have things been?” I requested.
“Well,” Jen beamed, “I’d forgotten how skilled Max is at oral sex.”
“I got so turned on watching her get turned on that my erections came back,” Max stated. “It was nice to shift the focus off my penis for a while. We had fun exploring things we hadn’t done in a really long time, and that gave us an opportunity to reconnect in a way we didn’t even know we needed.”
Jen added, “I think we’re both less worried about Max not getting an erection from time to time. We weren’t just reminded of how many things we can do to create pleasurable, meaningful sexual experiences together, we were also reminded how much we love each other.”